Oct 8, 2019
Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as
betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the
infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other
things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately
affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are
devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of
talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing
your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship.
We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Affairs are prevalent in society today.
The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40%
of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and
about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment
either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most
likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an
- Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to
heal from as some studies suggest it could
take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it
might take years unfortunately.
- We are in part 1 of our series on affairs
today. We will talk about the aftermath and the turn
that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the
demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and
the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship
in part 3 (episode 113).
- So now that affair has happened and been discovered now
what? Let’s talk about some best practices if you will to
think about in stage 1.
- Ending the relationship with the other person
is the first step. If this is not done then there will be no
ability to move forward.
- If the relationship has ended, but the betrayer is
still having thoughts and/or vocalizing thoughts of this other
person and being with them, these also must be
dealt with in some manner.
- The betrayer must also come clean with everything and
be very detailed. This must include things like
times and places with the other person. It should also
include things like being open to talking about times when the
betrayer lied to the betrayed partner.
- One exception to talking about all the details
is that most experts agree that talking about the specific
details of sexual encounters and also specifics about texting
should not take place. There are studies that show
that this can increase the PTSD type effects in the betrayed
- The betrayer should also work to eliminate
defensiveness when approached or asked questions about
what happened and about even things going on in the present that
the betrayed partner is asking about. Defensiveness while
understandable as a protective measure driven from fear but it
actually hinders forward progress.
- The betrayed partner should pay lots of attention to
the emotion of anger. Anger is a forward propelling
emotion and can often lead to things like rage which are also
counterproductive. Of course anger is an emotion just like
the fear that the betrayer has, but if it goes to far can also
- This initial stage is unfortunately going to filled with lots
of stepping in wrong ways. There will be days of
forward movement, days of no movement and some days of backward
movement. The key is to hang in there and slowly
better days are usually around the corner.
- Up next part 2 – Demolishing the Current Marriage and
then part 3 Constructing the New Relationship
Thanks For Listening!
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.