Oct 15, 2019
Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as
betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the
infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other
things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately,
affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are
devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of
talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing
your current marriage, and constructing a new
relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s
message. For more information and additional resources please
visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage
varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will
have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25%
of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or
partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the
next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
- Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as
some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some
couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
- We are in part 2 of our series on affairs today. We
talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in
part 1 today (episode 111), the
demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and
the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship
in part 3 (episode 113).
- Okay time to face the music. Your current marriage is now
dead. There will be no bringing it back. But before you
throw in the towel you can build some different and new which we
explore in the next episode.
- In stage 2, there are two parts that we must undertake.
- First, we need to take an autopsy of the relationship that the
two of you had but working to understand what was not working.
- Second we need to talk about ending the old ways. This
happens by making agreements about what you won’t do and by acting
- Here are some practical tips on taking that autopsy.
- Analyze the time you spend together and
alone. Did the balance of alone time and together
time work for each of you?
- Talk through the places you each spend time
at. Are there problems associated with these
places. This can be a difficult discussion if an affair
happened with a coworker or maybe with someone at a gym that you
have a membership.
- What types of ways in which you interact at home don’t
work. For example if not spending much time in the
evenings together was troublesome for either of you then that is
certainly a problem area.
- Do you confide in others about your marriage
and if so is this a problem for one of you?
- Do either one of you have issues with the way your
communication goes. Is it volatile and prone to
blowing up or is the opposite true and you don’t talk at all?
Maybe both are present.
- The actions they take that are different than
normal. Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in
the entry way but today put them in the closet.
- In part 2 of stage 2 – Demolotion, you must begin to make
agreements to end old ways of doing things? A lot of this
part involves possibly walking away from the old habits which some
may not be easy
- Do you need to leave a job where the coworker work?
- Do you need to spend less time away from home?
- Do you need to stop talking to others about issues in your
- These are many more questions are the basis for this area of
getting back on track. In this stage, you may not be
completely ready to take action but you are now able to gently
communicate with each other about the issues that are on the table
and that need to be addressed in order to move forward.
- Expect these “negotiations” not to go perfectly either.
You may still have triggers or other important things come up that
will work to make you resist wanting to make a change.
- The key here is to keep your eye on your relationship.
Going into these discussions with the focus being on the permanence
of your relationship until you die versus the temporary nature that
work and activities can have will help.
- Up next part 3 - Constructing the New
Thanks For Listening!
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