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The Remarried Life

Nov 7, 2017

Brian Mayer discusses 5 Ways to strengthen your Marriage.  The discussion is based on the book called the 5 Love Languages.  Each of us has different ways in which we feel loved which include Physical Touch Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts.  It is important that couples discover the primary love language that each has to love each other using that language.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • There are roughly 7,000 different languages on Earth (Some disagreement between 3,000 – 8,000).  Top 3 – Mandarin, Spanish, English.   Then among all of those there are many dialects.  In the U.S. there are many dialects, Northeast, Midwest, Southern, Louisiana, Texas, California among many others. 
  • Communication is mostly impossible when speaking a different language and can be very difficult when speaking same language. 
  • In my childhood, my Uncle and Dad were involved in these fun races where they would be blindfolded and have a passenger in the seat next to them giving instructions. They had to use what they heard to cross the finish line ahead of the other driver.  Needless to say I am sure some things got lost in translation.
  • Same can be said of a marriage. We often communicate in ways that do not speak to our partner.  We often speak or do things that feel good to us and simply assume that our partner likes them as well.
  • Five Love Languages – Everyone has 1,2 that speak to them more than the others.  Need to discover what our partners is.
  • Physical Touch – The obvious physical touch is sex, but goes beyond that.  Could involve a kiss, a hug, a massage, hand holding.  John Gottman talks about a 6 second kiss that releases hormones that increase connection and bond.  Babies that are touched in appropriate ways often when newborn and beyond grow up healthier.   
  • Words of Affirmation  – This love languages involves verbally expressing all sorts of things like love, encouragement, appreciation.  Things like “Wow you look great in that outfit today.”  or “Thanks so much for taking out the trash last night.”  or “You are gonna do great with your presentation tomorrow.”  I like to take it a step further and include more details in your affirmation like “that outfit makes your eyes pop” or “you took out the trash even though you were tired and had such a long day” or “you will do great with that presentation because I see all the time here at home that you invested in making it great.” 
  • Quality Time:  This is spending time together without distraction.  This means turning off the phones and TV.  It means giving each other undivided attention.  Going to a movie together is generally not what I would consider Quality Time.  This time doesn’t have to be expensive and doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out either.  The Quality Time can occur after the kids go to bed.  Read a Marriage Book together and discuss for example.  I know I mentioned John Gottman earlier, and I just found he has a free App on Smartphones called Gottman Card Decks.  All sorts of great topics are included so that you can ask each other questions to get to know each other better. 
  • Acts of Service – This means doing something for someone.   This could be as simple as making sure the household tasks you have already agreed to are done timely and with excellence.  It could mean doing something that your partner often does like drop the kids off at school or make dinner one night.  Once again Acts of Service does not have to be anything large.  It can be small gestures.  These small gestures will pile up and will help fill your mate’s emotional love tank. 
  • Gifts  – This means giving something tangible to the other person.  Once again as I have said, this doesn’t have to be something large or expensive.  Of course it can mean that but doesn’t have to.  So don’t feel obligated that the only gift that will speak to your partner is a weekend retreat or a new car.  It could something as simple as picking up your spouse’s favorite candy or magazine on the way home from work.  Then present it by saying I was thinking of you and wanted to get this for you. 
  • Final Thoughts
    • Couples often think if they are doing all of these then this is best.  Not true.  Again, concentrating on the 1-2 the speak to your partner is best. 
    • Go to to take a quiz.  Determine your top 1-2 and share.  Learn which languages are the top 1-2 for your partner as well.   
    • Remember to thank your spouse when they speak your language.  This gives them feedback that they are filling your emotional love tank. 
    • Model these languages in front of the children.     
    • Not only understand the languages of your partner is important, but the process of learning them such as taking the quiz, reading the book, and discussing it will draw you together.

Resources Mentioned

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