Jun 30, 2020
Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating
your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware
of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part
2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases
play a role in our connection. In part 3 we will discuss
implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We
hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Getting married again is not easy. In
fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a
good marriage the next time around than it was the first
time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and
will do better the next time, but that is more often not the
- You may be even in another marriage that feels like it
is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to
divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an
extremely common place to be.
- In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage
Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your
remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier
place than you ever thought it could go.
- Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s
session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and
your partner listened to these episodes together because
you will get to your destination if you both are paddling
together. Of course marriages and relationship can change
with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower
- Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional,
physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of
what we are going to talk about in this series. So
if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first
but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
- All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully
what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet
extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more
- In Remarriage Rehab Part 1, we will talk today about
disconnecting from our past.
- You may have heard the phrase that, “if you are
hysterical, then it may be historical.” This means
that if you or your partner have a very inflated response to an
issue, it quite possibly means that something from your past if
playing a role.
- The past can come from probably 3 different areas and
is something to consider.
- Your childhood could be an area that is
bringing something up. Sometimes differences in parenting can
rear up in how you were parented versus how your spouse was
parented as an example. Or maybe something traumatic happened
that causes your fight or flight mechanism to kick in.
- Past relationships can also cause issues for
us. If you went through a very difficult past
marriage that was fraught with infidelity, then it cause manifest
insecurities and trust issues. So if your spouse gets home
from work late one day and doesn’t let you know beforehand, it
could trigger a past feeling of upset if this was a norm in your
- Past events in your current relationship can also cause
issues. Maybe you have had a similar argument
several times before. But this time it blows up
completely. It could be happening, because the issue has so
mounded up that it contributes to what is happening in the here and
- All of this is great, so what to do we do about this.
- First, we need to do an honest evaluation to understand
the root of our extreme upset. So when something
like this comes up, you should go back through your history to
understand if something has set up shop in your brain as a
- Second, we should voice our past triggers to our
partner. This can do several things. It can
help you by discussing and processing which is generally always a
good thing for our brain. It can also help your partner know
and understand which issues and topics may be
- Change our view that it is not entirely that you are a
bad person or that your spouse is a bad person, but that there is a
third element at play that could be wreaking
- We all have a past and completely denying what that past might
be doing can be a foolish endeavor.
- It should be stressed that we should not use our past
as a weapon toward each other either. I hear one
person in a couple often will make very cutting comments that their
partner acts a certain way solely because of the past.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.