Jul 14, 2020
Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating
your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware
of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part
2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases
play a role in our connection. In part 3 we will discuss
implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We
hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Getting married again is not easy. In
fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a
good marriage the next time around than it was the first
time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and
will do better the next time, but that is more often not the
- You may be even in another marriage that feels like it
is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to
divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an
extremely common place to be.
- In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage
Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your
remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier
place than you ever thought it could go.
- Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s
session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and
your partner listened to these episodes together because
you will get to your destination if you both are paddling
together. Of course marriages and relationship can change
with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower
- Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional,
physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of
what we are going to talk about in this series. So
if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first
but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
- All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully
what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet
extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more
- In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about
installing some new behaviors. Since we have
discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing
cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something
- You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and
emotions often drive behaviors. So we cannot get to
the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that
underlie them first and we have done that through this
- And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new
and different actions. I say at the end of every
episode that marriage is not something you have, it’s something you
do. And so that means we can’t just become complacent, we
have to things in order for our marriage to grow.
- Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms
beautiful flowers or vegetables. There are all sorts
of things that must be done to get you that harvest.
- Find the right location for the garden. Is shade, sun, or
- Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best
time to harvest.
- How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each
- What kind and how much fertilizer is needed.
- How much watering and when is the best time, morning,
afternoon, evening, or overnight
- How often should the soil be manipulated.
- How should weeding happen.
- So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the
garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper
crop. The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to
come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create
- I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just
that. One is called
The Love Dare and the other is called
The Respect Dare. Not to be too gender biased, but it is
often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men
respond to the acts showing respect. The link for both books
is noted below in the Resource section.
- The premise of both books is that we should be doing
small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one
key. That key is that we should be doing them even
we were are getting nothing in return. The general concensus
is that you must likely will get something positive in return for
these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take
- So let’s talk about 3 examples that you could implement
today from each of these books:
- “Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her
to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without
attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their
- “Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today.
Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change
your greeting to reflect your love for them.”
- “Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home.
Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting
too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them
about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them
of your unconditional love.”
- “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to
do things my way.”
- “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not
immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a
response versus a reaction.”
- “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from
negative to a positive. For example instead of saying,
“thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so
gentle in your responses.”
- These are just a few examples of how you can work to change
your actions or behaviors to start to change your
- You might even have some of your own that work well. I
always says do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.