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The Remarried Life


Sep 22, 2020

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change.  Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do?  We will talk about this important subject for blended families today.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • Are you unhappy in your marriage?  I am not sure what the reason for that is and there are certainly many.  It could be that you are tired of not being considered a priority.  Maybe on the other end you feel like you can never live up to what your spouse needs?  It is possibly the constant arguments that escalate over silly things?  The stepkids won’t listen and you aren’t on the same page parenting with your spouse. 
  • It is clear to all of us that being in a blended family is not easy and the reasons for that are varied and complex. 
  • However, when it comes to a tipping point and you start to think about leaving this is when it gets serious and we need to look at what are the reasons you have not left. 
  • Whenever I ask one partner in a relationship what keeps them in the relationship, my hope is that I hear things like “in spite of the differences and chaos, I still love my spouse.”  Again that is what I hope to hear.
  • All too often, the response I hear is “I am only staying for the kids.”  I both love and hate this reason and this response.  I love it because it means you aren’t darting immediate out the door to great regret.  But ultimately I don’t like this response, because in my opinion if this is truly the only reason then you need to seriously look at what is going on for you. 
  • Let’s talk about some of things to explore and think about if this is the place you find yourself in.
    • Do you say you are only staying for the kids when you are angry or is it truly in times when you are calm?  If you say it in anger, then you must let that emotion subside in order to really think clearly about why it is you stay? 
    • So in addition to looking at the reasons as to why you stay, let’s look at the reasons for not leaving?  Is there fear?  I often hear of these fears:
      • Fear of financial burden in being single with all these kids?
      • Fear of how your current spouse will treat you?
      • What would everyone else think about me? 
      • Doesn’t society say there are too many broken families and you need to do what you can to keep the family intact? 
      • Doesn’t the Bible only give a couple of reasons like infidelity, abuse, or abandonment as reasons for leaving your spouse? 
      • Fear of feeling like another failure again because this has happened before. 
      • Adding another divorce is going to make the kids situation of coming and going even more complicated.
      • Maybe you have developed a solid loving relationship with the stepkids and you don’t want to upset them
  • Obviously so many reasons if we dig under the surface as to why you might be staying and these are all based on fear.  Fear of the unknown is certainly real, and you ultimately have to make the best decision for yourself.  But let’s talk about the kids for a moment.
  • Again if we circle back to staying for the kids sake.  We have to take a deep look and say okay is it better to have the kids be in a home with two parental figures that are unhappy with each other.  Yes, on the surface there is a sort of logistical stability.  But the other piece we need to look at is emotional stability. 
  • Kids even young ones are probably smarter and see more than we give them credit for.  They tend to know when things are not right.  You don’t want them in a therapist office dealing with some depression or anxiety because they were in a dysfunctional family system. 
  • So what are some things you should do before you get to the decision of whether to stay or go? 
    • First and foremost hopefully you can have an honest and calm discussion with your spouse about where you stand in the relationship.
    • Talk about the things that are not working in your relationship.  Is there are possibility you each could pour in 3-6 months of work to improve them before making the decision on the future? 
    • Do some inner work to understand if people pleasing is at the core of your inability to make a decision.  Again, what does God think, what does society think, what would my close circle of people think?  You must make the best decision for you. 
    • Talk to people in your life on both sides of the issues.  Those that have made it work and those that have move on despite their fears to get a balanced look at what to do. 
    • Look for a therapist that does something called Divorce Discernment counseling which is a very specialized short term counseling to help each of you come to a better decision about the right thing to do. 
    • As always make sure when it comes time to talk to the kids, that you explain that the issues are not their fault and that the two of you love them very much and will make the best lives you can for them again if you decide to part. 
  • This is not an easy decision for sure and ultimately you will have to wrestle with this yourself, but just now that kids are resilient and will make their best way forward if you remain a consistent loving and encouraging presence in their lives no matter what happens. 
  • Tough time and tough subject.  Go get an ice cream of sweet coffee and please have a great rest of your day 😊.       

 Resources:

  • None

Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.