Sep 29, 2020
Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship
we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner
mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved
into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are
inspired by today’s message. For more information and
additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- When you first meet someone that you are
physically attracted to, conversation goes well, and you find many
things in common, all sorts of feel good hormones start to
- Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins have long
been studied and been found to be released that promote feelings of
pleasure and happiness. It also affects bodily
processes like heart rate and digestion.
- I am pretty sure this is what was going during the
initial stages of my relationship with my wife when we
kissed. We were at the park and I kind of got lost
in a kiss and forgot that we were around others. My wife who
was my girlfriend at the time, stopped us at some point and said
you know we had better stop because there are kids around.
- Honestly just before that moment again I became so
unaware of my surroundings. It was as if those feel
good hormones were racing around so much that it dulled any sense
of anxiety or worry about what was going on around me.
- Obviously as I sort of snapped back to reality, I
realized what was going on around me and
- This was certainly a time no doubt that you could say
that I was deep in love with my wife. Now it could
be argued that this maybe was also a period of lust as well.
Because truth be told, those kisses and touches in the early stages
are usually about feeling like we are first getting our wants met
and then secondarily meeting the wants of our partner.
- Now something certainly does change over time and we
begin to not feel the feel good hormones racing around like we once
did. Why do these feel good hormones slow or even
stop? This is complicated and there are many
- Issues such as menopause. There is some
research that says that both men and women go through something
like this. Of course for women, it is well
- Pregnancy can cause fluctuations in hormones
and change what feels good. It is the body’s way of sending
resources to other places.
- Alcohol or substance use and abuse can
certainly cause wide fluctuations. Sometimes they can
increase but most often settle back or often dim down
completely. This is of course why it can take more and more
of the alcohol or substance to get to the desired effect.
- Age in general can cause the systems to
- Significantly distressing negative events in
our life. If we have had some negative events like a divorce,
or loss of job, bankruptcy etc can rob us of a general
- Things like Anxiety and Depression can again
dim or happiness. Sometimes those with depression often
describe seeing the world through darkly tinted glasses that they
cannot take off.
- The love of our spouse has moved from that sort of
lustful limerence into a deeper more committed type
love. This type of love helps us stay connected for
the long haul, but often we confuse this with falling out of
- So what if after talking through all of this, you still believe
that you truly have fallen out of love with your spouse?
It is certainly possible because really does anyone truly
and completely understand love and what it is?
- Just like the brain, just like microscopic creatures in the
depths of the oceans, just like distant black holes in the outer
reaches of the galaxy, no one really fully understands what
love really is.
- So all this being said here are some things I want you
to do if you are unclear about whether falling out of love
is truly happening or is it something else.
- Go to the doctor to rule out any medical
issues that could be affecting your mood. Could it be some
issue with your thyroid, could it be headaches causing you to feel
unusually blue. Is it depression or anxiety?
- Talk to your spouse. Many cringe at this
idea for fear that once “I let the cat out of the bag”, will my
spouse have a different view of me thus changing our relationship
forever? Most of the time this does not happen and it creates
a greater intimacy but in the short term it can certainly be a bit
bumpy. On rare occasions, yes it may cause some more
permanent upset. Just weigh out where you in the process of
understanding your feelings.
- You and your partner should be patient and do not make
any rash decisions. Remember, it probably took
awhile for you to feel this way and it will probably take awhile to
sort out exactly what is going on.
- If you or your spouse are in this place, please work to
hopefully give each other lots of grace. It’s not
easy being human and we will often in our lifetime have ebbs and
flows to our feelings.
Thanks For Listening!
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.