Nov 10, 2020
Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and
whether or not you feel supported in those goals. Sometimes
goals don’t align very well but if we can be respectful of each
other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more
better. We hope you are inspired by today’s message.
For more information and additional resources please visit our
website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Everyone has goals in life and even if you say you don’t, you
actually really do. If you say you want things to just remain as
they are then that of course is actually a goal!
- So what is a goal? Well the dictionary defines a goal as “the
end toward which effort is directed.” Sometimes we are
consciously attempting to move toward something and sometimes we
are directing effort with an end goal in mind.
- I remember when I ran my one and only marathon a few years ago.
The goal was to run the marathon in under 4 hours. Most
people said that really if it is your first marathon to simply
focus on finishing and to not worry about the time. Well
according to the app tracker I had on my smart phone, I beat 4
hours by 30 seconds! However, when the official time later
came out it had me posted at 4 hours and 14 seconds. I was so
- Even though I did not meet that goal, it was so much fun and
kept me on track to continue to do the training runs so that I
could meet that goal of being under 4 hours.
- Another goal I set during my first marriage was to be married
for the rest of my life and to not get divorced. I remember
silently speaking this wish over my daughter. I grew up in a
divorced home and so did not want this for my daughter.
- However, when it came to achieving this goal as I look back
both my ex-wife and I were probably not pushing effort in this
direction. There were probably times where we paddling in a
different direction and then other times where we certainly not
paddling at all.
- So that being said in that marriage, our goals were really not
aligned properly. Looking back now that I have had 20+ years to
think about it, I am actually at a place where I am happy that we
got divorced. But this was not so for probably 5 years after
- Do you and you partner have goals that align? Here are some
questions you can ask yourself and each other to determine just
where you are with supporting each other’s goals.
- Do you know what you personal goals are?
- Does your partner even know what you personal goals are away
from your relationship?
- Does your partner honor your personal goals? This doesn’t
necessarily mean they agree but is he/she open to hearing them and
attempting to support as best they can.
- Does your partner value your current accomplishments? This can
be a key to knowing if future aspirations are?
- If you were to look out ahead into your old age, would you be
able to say that your paths in life were on a similar path?
- What about important beliefs be it money, spirituality,
parenting, we time versus me time? Where do you align on
- Are you currently coming toward each other on important issues,
running parallel or even drifting further apart?
- After having asked and answered questions like this about
yourself, where do you stand? Does the picture look pretty good or
does it need some work?
- Lets talk about some things you can do to help you better talk
- Postpone your disagreement about a goal until you fully
hear what is being said. Be curious and continue to draw
out in your partner what is important and why it might be
important? If you must, before having this conversation, you
might want to even verbalize that it is possible you might
disagree, but you are holding off on that.
- When hearing a goal, keep the mindset of being to open
to helping see how this can be achieved. In other words
come at this from a positive perspective to start. Sometimes
when we immediately shoot our partner’s idea down, a slippery slope
of less sharing and even sharing with others might start. I
once worked with a couple where the female said that she could not
share everything with her husband and that is what other friends
and a therapist was for.
- Have a core values discussion? Determining
what core values are important to each other like for example
independence, freedom, security, stability or any of a number of
other values might help each of you know what is
- What things does your goal have in common with my
- What things about your goal might go against a goal of
- What would the impact on your relationship be if a goal
were met? Would it be positive to one or both of us, would it be
positive toward the relationship?
- Obviously kind, caring, gentle, respectful communication is the
- Just remember that you aren’t giving a green light to a goal by
simply being curious and attempting to understand, but by delaying
your response you are giving an opportunity for a relationship to
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.