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The Remarried Life

Jan 5, 2021

Brian Mayer discusses how learn more about you and your partners personality using the Enneagram Assessment tool.  Learning more about how you and your partner are wired can only serve to help you both navigate how to deal with each other better.  We will learn more about this tool on today’s show.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • In all couples relationships, there are certain events we might both handle in similar ways and certain other issues we might handle completely different.
  • There are many reasons for this. This can include how we were raised by our caregivers growing up.  It can also result from different experiences we have had in relationships.  Or it can sometimes simply come from how we are wired from birth. 
  • In order words personality is often a nature versus nurture debate. Mostly likely though both play a part but of course it can be difficult to determine which might be playing a role at which time. 
  • Today we aren’t going to debate but more just a discussion of personality, similarities and differences. With that we will be look at a rather neat online assessment tool called the Enneagram that both you and your partner can take separately and then have a discussion about your dominant personality type and what it might mean for your relationship. 
  • The Enneagram takes a look at 9 different personality types and they give a number to each one so that they are easier to remember. Here are the 9 and this comes right from the Enneagram Institute (see links in the Resources section below): 
  • Reformer (Type 1) is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic.
  • Helper (Type 2) is generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive.
  • Achiever (Type 3) is adaptable, excelling, driven, and image-conscious.
  • Individualist (Type 4) is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
  • Investigator (Type 5) is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.
  • Loyalist (Type 6) is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.
  • Enthusiast (Type 7) is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered.
  • Challenger (Type Eight) is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
  • Peacemaker (Type Nine) is receptive, reassuring, complacent, and resigned.


  • The Enneagram goes into much more detail also than just identifying your dominant type. It talks about “wings” meaning the two types that surround your main type as being at times when you might dip into some adjacent areas.  On the Enneagram you will see the 9 types drawn around a circle and you can then better see and understand the adjacent types. 
  • The Enneagram is divided into 3 centers. The Instinctive Center, the Feeling Center, and the Thinking Center.
  • The Enneagram also has 3 basic underlying and often unconscious emotions that can often be present in the personality types and they are as follows:
    • Anger: Types 8,9, and 1.
    • Shame: Types 2,3, and 4
    • Fear: Types 5,6, and 7
  • Obviously a lot of very helpful information to dive into to again better understand yourself and your partner.
  • Now with all that being said, since this podcast is all about relationships and families we need to also discuss the interplay of two people and the different types of personalities.
  • There are definitely assets and liability with every combination, so we shouldn’t look at the Enneagram as some sort of compatibility test but more again just as a tool to better help us understand how we each may react and respond to various issues and events that come up.
  • My wife and I scored in very similar ways on the test. My main score was a Loyalist (Type 6) followed by Peacemaker (Type 9).  My wife’s scores had the same two at the top just flipped, so her top was the Peacemaker (Type 9) followed by the Loyalist (Type 6). 
  • According to the Enneagram Relationship Type page it says that our relationship is one of the most stable and most common type relationships. We both want security (6) and predictability (6) and some autonomy (9).
  • It also says that these personality types more so than the others look for another person that matches their belief system and one who will mirror these beliefs and reactions.
  • So take a look at the couples match page on the Enneagram website (link in the resources section) after you both take the Enneagram to determine how your puzzle pieces fit.
  • Now as with every kind of assessment it will often slot into a certain category and you might often feel like there are certain parts of the results or at least ways that the institute defines you that you may disagree with.
  • For example in my own relationship the institute says that we each may have a rebellious or counterculture streak that allow them to “live on the fringes of society.” Now I can certainly think of times in which both my spouse and I have been rebellious but I don’t think of either of us as living on the fringe of society. 
  • So overall I would highly recommend that you both take the Enneagram to better understand yourself and each other. It is very inexpensive at the time of this recording for you each to take the assessment. 
  • Once you get your results, I would love to see you post about it in our Facebook group. The link for the group is contained below in the “Thanks for Listening” section. 



Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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  • The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.