Jan 5, 2021
Brian Mayer discusses how learn more about you and your partners
personality using the Enneagram Assessment tool. Learning
more about how you and your partner are wired can only serve to
help you both navigate how to deal with each other better. We
will learn more about this tool on today’s show. We hope you
are inspired by today’s message. For more information and
additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- In all couples relationships, there are certain events we might
both handle in similar ways and certain other issues we might
handle completely different.
- There are many reasons for this. This can include how we were
raised by our caregivers growing up. It can also result from
different experiences we have had in relationships. Or it can
sometimes simply come from how we are wired from birth.
- In order words personality is often a nature versus nurture
debate. Mostly likely though both play a part but of course it can
be difficult to determine which might be playing a role at which
- Today we aren’t going to debate but more just a discussion of
personality, similarities and differences. With that we will be
look at a rather neat online assessment tool called the Enneagram
that both you and your partner can take separately and then have a
discussion about your dominant personality type and what it might
mean for your relationship.
- The Enneagram takes a look at 9 different personality types and
they give a number to each one so that they are easier to remember.
Here are the 9 and this comes right from the Enneagram Institute
(see links in the Resources section below):
- Reformer (Type 1) is principled, purposeful,
self-controlled, and perfectionistic.
- Helper (Type 2) is generous,
demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive.
- Achiever (Type 3) is adaptable,
excelling, driven, and image-conscious.
- Individualist (Type 4) is expressive,
dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
- Investigator (Type 5) is perceptive,
innovative, secretive, and isolated.
- Loyalist (Type 6) is engaging,
responsible, anxious, and suspicious.
- Enthusiast (Type 7) is spontaneous,
versatile, acquisitive, and scattered.
- Challenger (Type Eight) is
self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
- Peacemaker (Type Nine) is receptive,
reassuring, complacent, and resigned.
- The Enneagram goes into much more detail also than just
identifying your dominant type. It talks about “wings” meaning the
two types that surround your main type as being at times when you
might dip into some adjacent areas. On the Enneagram you will
see the 9 types drawn around a circle and you can then better see
and understand the adjacent types.
- The Enneagram is divided into 3 centers. The Instinctive
Center, the Feeling Center, and the Thinking Center.
- The Enneagram also has 3 basic underlying and often unconscious
emotions that can often be present in the personality types and
they are as follows:
- Anger: Types 8,9, and 1.
- Shame: Types 2,3, and 4
- Fear: Types 5,6, and 7
- Obviously a lot of very helpful information to dive into to
again better understand yourself and your partner.
- Now with all that being said, since this podcast is all about
relationships and families we need to also discuss the interplay of
two people and the different types of personalities.
- There are definitely assets and liability with every
combination, so we shouldn’t look at the Enneagram as some sort of
compatibility test but more again just as a tool to better help us
understand how we each may react and respond to various issues and
events that come up.
- My wife and I scored in very similar ways on the test. My main
score was a Loyalist (Type 6) followed by Peacemaker (Type
9). My wife’s scores had the same two at the top just
flipped, so her top was the Peacemaker (Type 9) followed by the
Loyalist (Type 6).
- According to the Enneagram Relationship Type page it says that
our relationship is one of the most stable and most common type
relationships. We both want security (6) and predictability (6) and
some autonomy (9).
- It also says that these personality types more so than the
others look for another person that matches their belief system and
one who will mirror these beliefs and reactions.
- So take a look at the couples match page on the Enneagram
website (link in the resources section) after you both take the
Enneagram to determine how your puzzle pieces fit.
- Now as with every kind of assessment it will often slot into a
certain category and you might often feel like there are certain
parts of the results or at least ways that the institute defines
you that you may disagree with.
- For example in my own relationship the institute says that we
each may have a rebellious or counterculture streak that allow them
to “live on the fringes of society.” Now I can certainly think of
times in which both my spouse and I have been rebellious but I
don’t think of either of us as living on the fringe of
- So overall I would highly recommend that you both take the
Enneagram to better understand yourself and each other. It is very
inexpensive at the time of this recording for you each to take the
- Once you get your results, I would love to see you post about
it in our Facebook group. The link for the group is contained below
in the “Thanks for Listening” section.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
it using the social media buttons on this page.
Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like
you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.