Jun 8, 2021
Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast
to talk about communication. It is probably
the most talked about issue that couples have together that can
sometimes not work well. We will take some time to dive into
this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to
consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more
effective and more loving. We hope you are inspired by
today’s message. For more information and additional
resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we
think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very
prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the
people we love the most.
- I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of
something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our
brains are curious to understand. So when someone cuts us off
in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive
or uncaring or even selfish.
- Or let’s say with the pandemic we are currently working to come
out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a
mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.
- So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the
situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is
- Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving
example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and
she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved
one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is
selfish or uncaring.
- What if in the mask example, the person has lost several
members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe
they are not healthy. In that case we wouldn’t say they are
- Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or
assumptions about what we think our partner is up to. Now
sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they
- Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built
based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is
- An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking
she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says
she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this
negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am
less than or not a good person. Of course at the point she is
not going to apologize but again not for reason I
- Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the
assumption making? Lets go over some now.
- We say this one all the time. But slow your
- Just ask the person you are making the
assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever
they did or said. From there try your best to take it at face
- Realize there could be another alternative.
Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray
available rather than something that is simply black or
- Watch Projection. Just because you would react
or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone
else would do the same.
- This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything
about ourselves. As if some person’s actions are a direct
reflection on something they are doing to us. This is often
not the case.
- Reflect on your past experiences. Is there
anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a
certain way about a situation.
- Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your
assumptions that often are incorrect.
- Don’t forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10
part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently,
Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.