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The Remarried Life


Jun 29, 2021

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • In a romantic relationship, the longer we are together the more we may begin what feels like a wrestling for power.
  • It may happen in big situations like how to handle parenting or deal with an ex-spouse. It could happen with even small things like where best to put the sugar in the pantry. 
  • Obviously as we gain more comfort with our partner in a relationship it is bound that these things will happen.
  • Both people in the relationship believe that power distribution should be equal in most every situation and if one or both people believe it is not, then it can certainly cause tension and disagreements.
  • Power struggles obviously make it very difficult to reach a compromise or agreements.
  • Often the inability to compromise may come from childhood or past relationships. If you or your partner never saw good conflict management growing up then of course it is going to be difficult to know how to resolve issues. 
  • Maybe in a past relationship you felt completely controlled. And as such you refuse to allow that feeling to happen again.  So you stand up for everything you disagree with. 
  • Often we don’t back down from something because we believe something bad will result or maybe we have a fear. Often though many times these beliefs are irrational.
  • Or sometimes we thinking backing down shows that we aren’t strong or can’t stand up for ourselves.
  • Again as with everything we are talking about there can be a lot at play in pushing us in one direction or another.
  • So lets talk some suggestions for solutions:
    • Talk About Your Histories. Talk about your childhood and past relationship when it came time to share power and decision making.  The more you know and understand about your partner, the better. 
    • Talk About Your Fears. Does giving in mean that you think something negative will happen?  Express these to each other.  Be honest with yourself about the likelihood that this will happen if you give in. 
    • One Manager, One Employee. If there is a power struggle in a situation, decide if you can be okay that one person manages and makes decisions and the other helps carry them out. 
    • Each Give a Little. Is there something small that you each can give in on to make something happen. 
    • Try it Your Way This Time and Mine Next. Agree to try it one of your ways this time and reassess and then if it is not working, try something else or try it your partner’s way.  Don’t gloat if your partner’s way does not work! 
    • Agree to Disagree Without Resentment. This one is often not the best approach because something it doesn’t get to a solution and sometimes it is hard to do without resentment. 
    • Talk about How it Went. After something happens, have a discussion about how it went by working to keep emotional regulation low. 
  • Often in relationships I will hear both people might believe their partner does not yield power. One though may be loud and aggressive and the other quiet and immovable.  Both people can see the other as not yielding but in reality both are not. 
  • Keep working at what famous couples researcher John Gottman calls “Accepting Influence” to help build trust, remove resentment, and create a greater connection.

Resources:

  • None Mentioned

 

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.