Dec 19, 2017
Brian Mayer discusses the concept of boundaries in relationships or
how to set limits without feeling guilty. Boundaries are easy
to talk about but more difficult to implement. It takes
practice and lots of encouraging support. You will learn how
to set appropriate boundaries so you can live a life of
freedom. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Today’s episode is all the concept of Boundaries in
Relationships in regard to a subsequent marriage that affects more
people like biological and step children.
- What is a Boundary? A boundary is simply a property line
to keep what is yours in and what is not yours out. Think of
houses and the property lines that are drawn around each
- The history around Boundaries started several decades ago when
research around how to help people with addictions took off.
This research began to take a look at the family system and found
enabling behaviors by other family members. This can also be
- Out of this co-dependency movement specifically related to
addictions, came the term Boundaries and began to be applied to all
relationship issues not just addiction issue.
- A very helpful book about this topic is simply called
Boundaries: How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by
Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They have also written one
specific to marriages called Boundaries in Marriage.
- When healthy boundaries are not in place it can cause issues
like depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger. By not
implementing an appropriate boundary, you are replacing a temporary
discomfort with a more permanent pain.
- Boundaries sound easy in theory, but are hard to
implement. When we first try to install a boundary on someone
that is encroaching we can feel guilty or like we are a bad
person. Sometimes we also have this mentality that we
must be all things to all people and that is how the Golden Rule
works – Do Unto Others as You Would have done to You.
However, if you are not healthy first then you are no good to
someone else. You will ultimately burn-out if you do not
install good boundaries.
- Myths of Boundaries According to Cloud and Townsend:
- I am selfish if I install a boundary.
- I am being disobedient if I say No.
- If I set limits, I will be hurt
- I will hurt others
- I’m angry
- I should feel guilty or bad
- Boundaries are Permanent
- Learning to not feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings,
and actions. For example, the kids being bored is not your
responsibility. Now of course day after day, if you never do
anything with them then yes that is a problem. But the fact
is that they are responsible for how they feel. If we do not
allow them to learn to pull themselves out a funk, then they will
be stunted in their growth as adults.
- Can Love and Boundaries Exist Together: Yes they
can. In fact, boundaries actually signal that love
exists. Implementing Boundaries shows the other person under
what parameters that love can flourish. Inside the boundaries
amazing things will happen, outside the boundaries is where
individuals can work on themselves.
- How Do Implement a Boundary Successfully?
- You are One Step Closer because you are listening to this
- Get Support. Either find a group or ask a close
friend. Role play setting boundaries by being both the
boundary setter and the one for whom the boundary is being
- Do not beat yourself up when you try to set boundaries
initially. You may fail and you probably will fail.
Boundary setting is a process. You will receive much
resistance at first because people will not be used to
- Final Thoughts
- Practice, practice, practice
- Know that boundaries will help keep you healthy and in turn
will help others recognize how to keep themselves healthy.
Think about the
- Expect failure and grow from it.
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