Mar 6, 2018
Brian Mayer talks about how best to communicate with an
ex-spouse. While you were together there were always
differences of opinions and difficult conversations but there was
more of an attempt to work it out. Not so after you have
separated and/or divorced. We will talk about what you can do
to get your communication back on track for the sake of your
children. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Today’s Episode is all about how to communicate with your
ex-spouse. We will discuss 5 keys to getting your discussions
to a more calm and rational place. If the two of you can get
this right, it will reduce your stress and help make your child’s
experiences with each other all that more positive.
- The first key is do more Listening than Talking.
I know what you are thinking. It is not
possible for both of us to do more talking than listening. To
some degree that is true but if you both can practice this
principal you will go a long way to really hearing what your
ex-spouse is really trying to say.
- Thinking about your emotions is the second
key. Prior to communication with your
ex-spouse, you should do a self check-in. Ask yourself how
you are feeling. Are you feeling angry, sad, lonely, or maybe
you are feeling happy, energized, and enthusiastic. After you
have discovered what you are feeling, now you should dig to
understand why you are feeling this way. If these feelings
are somehow connected to your ex-spouse especially then recognizing
this is important. If you are not aware of the emotions or
the cause of the emotions that can come spilling back out toward
- The third key is to Care a Little Less.
This one sounds cold but let me explain. We tend to get so
caught up in wanting to know every little detail of life at our
ex-spouse’s house that it often gets negatively blown up in our
minds. Often things can be filtered in a child in way that
distorts the reality and that must be taken into
consideration. Short of anything illegally occurring at your
spouse’s home, you would probably do best for you own stress to let
some of this go.
- Be specific about What to Talk About and When to Talk
About it is the fourth key. Of course discuss that your
daughter needs new eyeglasses or your son need a backpack are
perfectly legitimate discussions assuming these are things that
were taken care of in a divorce decree. Discussing things
like your ex-spouse new girlfriend and how much she dislikes your
children is probably not going to go well. Additionally pick
times at regular intervals that make the communications more
business like and remove the emotion. So for example, let’s
say every Thursday from 6 – 6:15 pm you will discuss the children
and how they are doing.
- The fifth key is to use a Third Party like a Counselor,
Mediator, or Attorney when necessary. If none of these other
keys to communicating work, then it could be time to consider an
outside party to help set boundaries around communication. There is
hope that you can avoid this, but help is available should you need
- There is a website called Our Family Wizard that could
be useful to help with communication. It has a shared
parenting calendar, a message board to contain all written
communications, an info bank (for contact details, medical and
school information), an expense log to track expenses and to make
payments to each other, a place to journal, and alarms for meetings
and other calendar events.
- Try these new methods of communication and new ways of thinking
about communication today to see if you can get that part of your
life back on track. Communicating with your ex-spouse is not
always easy but it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Thanks For Listening!
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As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have,
it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.