Jun 5, 2018
Brian Mayer discusses how not respecting each other’s differences
can lead to the same result as our previous marriages. In a
remarriage, it is highly likely over time you have built certain
opinions and attitudes around a variety of subjects. This is
not the issue. The issue is whether we can dialogue and
respect each other through these differences. We hope you
enjoy today’s episode! For more information and additional
resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- In marriage relationships, differences of opinions are
going to come up all the time. In fact, if you have
no differences then it may be argued that you
aren’t spending enough time together.
- According to couples researcher John Gottman, couples
face two kind of issues. Yes, that is right you can
put your differences into one of two categories.
- The first kinds of problems couples face are the
solvable kind. These are the easy
things in life like who is going to make dinner or who
will drop the kids off at school or who will mow the yard. So
within a few minutes of discussion you can come to a conclusion and
find a mutually agreeable solution to the problem.
- Now, the same problems for some couples might be easily
solvable but for others these kinds of problems might not be so
- This brings us to a second kind of
problem. These problems are known as
perpetual problems. These problems have no
easy solution. Every time one of you attempts to bring these
issues up, you end up hitting brick walls. Eventually you
begin to feel isolated, distant and lonely if too many of these
issues start to pile up.
- Perpetual problems might be centered around how much time you
devote to one another versus alone or with friends. It might
center around your sexual desires including type of things you
might like to try. It could involve parenting styles and
types of disciplines.
- These perpetual problems tend to not get
solved because person views them as a “right or
wrong” proposition. In other words rather than
trying to work through the issues, each of you become more and more
entrenched thinking your partner is so skewed and wrong in his or
- There are three reasons why perpetual problems
- Differences in personality. One example
could involve a difference in extroversion versus
introversion. In this case one of you might prefer to stay at
home most of the time and one of you might like to go out
- Differences in upbringing and differences in
your childhood experiences. If you were disciplined heavily
and your every move was scrutinized, then you will almost assuredly
have the view that your children should be parented in this
way. Conversely if you were given more slack, you will tend
to do the same as you parent.
- Differences in world view. This can
often stem from how you were brought up as children but can also be
developed as you get older as well. Probably the easiest
explanation for this would center on political views. If one
of you is more heavily left leaning on the political spectrum and
one of you leans heavily right, then you will almost certainly
disagree on much in this area.
- You might be extremely surprised to know that Gottman says that
around 70% of all issues that couples face are those that are
perpetual. Only 30% are solvable. So what are we to
do? Give up? No, I will give you three things to do
regarding perpetual issues.
- Slow Down. Sometimes we are too quick to
get emotionally in a disagreement with our spouse. Take some time
to really listen to what your partner is saying. Ask yourself
and feel free to ask your partner where this opinion comes from or
why it is so important to them. Finding the answers to these
questions can sometimes lead to realize that something that holds a
significant meaning for your partner can help change your
- Agree to Disagree. This one sometimes
trips people up and they think that each must walk away mad.
If you can have conversations with each other about the fact that
you will often disagree, then knowing this option is available can
help. Now of course you may still need to work some solution
out but being respectful about it can be a big help.
- Compromise. Uncover areas where you are
not willing to compromise and share those. Also uncover areas
where you can compromise. See if those areas where you can
bend some will be just enough to solve the issue.
- Think about the problem as the
problem. Your spouse is not the issue, the issue
is. So if you can shift your perspective and it is really
effective if both of you can shift your perspective, then this can
sometimes bring a solution to the surface.
- Just remember you cannot avoid issues in your
marriage. That is not the goal. If that were
the goal then I would tell to live like roommates in separate rooms
with separate bank accounts with separate lives. So don’t get
yourself down if your are bumping into each other on many issues.
- Think about what we talked about today including the
ways in which you can work with perpetual issues in your
- I hope you have enjoyed today’s message.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
it using the social media buttons on this page.
- It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a
rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes
or on Android devices at Google
Play as it will help the podcast reach others who
need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people
just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have,
it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.