Aug 28, 2018
Brian Mayer talks the very common issue of projecting past hurts
onto a new partner. For those of you that have been through a
divorce or other tough break-up, there is a high likelihood that
you may be doing this. You may or may not be aware of
this. Of course your partner could be doing the same.
Today we will talk about this issue and what to watch out
for. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more
information and additional resources please visit our website at
- Break-ups and divorces are hard and can sometimes be very
bad. Did you know that on the life stress scale, Divorce is
number 2 behind only the death of a spouse. It is ahead of
things like a cancer diagnosis, getting fired from a job, or going
- However sometimes it is the past relationship itself that may
have been difficult. There are lots of things in our past
relationships that can be stressful. Some of those are:
- Infidelity on your part
- Infidelity on your partner’s part
- Physical Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
- Mental Health Disorders including Depression, Anxiety, PTSD,
OCD, ADHD, or even things like
- Communication Difficulties including Narcissism
- Control through Social Isolation or Sex
- Humiliation in front of others
- These issues are indeed painful and most likely if they
occurred you somehow adapted for a time until maybe something
finally pushed you over the edge to consider a break-up or
- The unfortunate part about these issues is that the residue of
the pain can linger past this relationship. It is very normal
for lot’s of us to experience things like this and have to work
through on an individual basis. This is where a good support
group or counseling can really help.
- However, we often begin a new relationship before we have fully
healed from these past hurts. Because of this, things that
the new partner does or says become triggers.
- What are triggers you ask? Well of course we all know
what that means when it applies to a pistol or rifle is that it is
piece on the gun that will set it off. A trigger in life is
- A life trigger is something that happens outside of yourself
like a word or an action by your partner that sets off a whirlwind
of emotion and often a resulting behavior change. So for
example, your spouse coming home 30 minutes late without letting
you know reminds you of your past spouse who did this because he
was having an affair. As a result, you state you don’t trust
your current spouse even though they haven’t done anything besides
- So how do you know if you are projecting? Let’s talk
about some of those ways. But before we begin, I must say
that there are indeed times where your current partner is doing
something really hurtful like emotional or physical abuse or maybe
there is an affair. If that is the case then get help.
However, if these are not the case then this is for you:
- Anxiety when your partner doesn’t immediately return a call,
email, or text could be a sign that you could be feeling
- You don’t fully trust what your partner is telling you, but
nothing or very little has ever been done to warrant that
- There is difficulty controlling anger over even small
- Are you jealous of others? Do you say things like “I
trust you, but it is others that I do not trust.” If you are
saying this then you are basically saying, “I do not trust
- If there is anything you are assuming or attempting to mind
read. If this is the case, just ask and maybe you will get an
answer you are looking for.
- Honestly, projection can be defeated by lots of self awareness
and introspection. Remember though things like narcissism and
gaslighting are real and so do not turn a blind eye to things like
that but again on the other hand be careful about assuming things
that may not be true about your current partner.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
it using the social media buttons on this page.
Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people
just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have,
it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.