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The Remarried Life

Oct 2, 2018

Brian Mayer talks about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time.  This is based on an article written by Terry Gaspard and published by the Gottman Institute.  We hope you enjoy today’s episode.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • We all know remarriage is different than the first marriage.  However, often we don’t treat it differently and often we don’t do anything differently.  This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, just that we have never been taught. 
  • What if when you were growing up your parents prepared you for what divorce and a subsequent marriage would look like especially if they went through it.  Of course this is great in theory, but talking about that before it happens can put quite the damper on a first marriage if that hasn’t happened. 
  • What if they would devote a class in high school and or/college to the pitfalls of divorce and the difficulties that you would face in remarriage.  Again it sounds like by doing this we are not hoping for the best.  However, because 50% or more of marriages end in divorce and as we know the more you get married the higher the likelihood that you will get divorce, then it would stand to reason that a course or class to prepare would be helpful. 
  • Would anyone take such a course?  Probably not, because who goes into a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced.  The number is probably pretty close to zero in less you are in it for something other than love. 
  • So let’s talk about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time around.  The article which will be linked in the notes below, is called 10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage. 
    • Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
    • Practice being vulnerable in small steps
    • Create space for quality time
    • Discuss expectations
    • Prepare for conflict
    • Have your primary role as a stepparent be a friend and supporter as a rather than a disciplinarian.
    • Communicate Effectively
    • Attune to each other.  This means giving your partner your full attention. 
    • Open Ended Dialogue.  Do not make threats or ultimatums. 
    • Practice Forgiveness
  • Putting many or all of these into practice in your relationship can go a long way to ensuring that you have a better experience this time around. 
  • Take out a sheet of paper and write down these 10 ways to make your relationship better.  Then rate each on a scale of 0-10 in how well you think you do these things.  So a “0” would mean I don’t do this at all and a “10” means I do this perfectly.  Have your partner do this also. 
  • If you are brave then ask your partner if he or she feels that your numbers are accurate.  Remember be gentle to each other through this process.    


Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.