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The Remarried Life


Mar 5, 2019

Brian Mayer talks about the difficult process of integrating into a family from the perspective of the new stepmom.  There are a lot of missteps that new stepmoms make and we will discuss those and how to approach these new and delicate situations so that everyone can have the best experience possible.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

  • You might remember if you have been listening to the podcast for any length of time that back in session 52 we talked about steps to help new stepdads.  While that was several months ago, we want to make sure we give equal time to new stepmoms because your process can be just as difficult but in different ways to be sure. 
  • As a new stepmom, you are generally juggling being mom, stepmom, wife,  employee, business owner, and ceo of the household just to name a few.  Talk about amped up anxiety in trying to get all of this right!  It is not easy.  So with that let’s talk about some common missteps that stepmoms might make during the initial parts of the journey.    
    • Making Changes too Quickly.  Remember that the kids had a certain lifestyle and ways of doing things that when changes happen to quickly that it can make the journey more bumpy.  Consider that most new managers and CEOs in new positions and new companies are advised to just take it all in for at least the first 90 days. 
    • Parenting Too Quickly.  This issue is both the same for the new stepdad and new stepmom.  If you attempt to discipline too quickly, it can often backfire by creating more resentment in your spouse and the kids.  Also most importantly when it does not go well, it is going to create animosity and some anger within you. 
    • Allowing the Children to Step On You.  You might be wondering about this one being in direct contrast to the point above.  And it is not necessarily.  The point above about not parenting too quickly refers more to being proactive with discipline and rigid rules etc.  This point refers more to not being walked all over.  Make sure you stand you ground when kids are rude to you, obviously doing it in a sensible way is important. 
    • Not Prioritizing Everyone’s Time.  You should be mindful of the time that all the kids need with each other, need with you and need with your spouse.  When you integrate large families with lots of kids it is easy for the time dynamics to shift and for someone to feel left out with the amount of time they spend with another family member.  What is the easiest way to fix this issue?  Just ask each family member if they are getting the time they need.    
    • Getting Upset When You See that Your Stepkids Favor Your Spouse.  Unfotunately this is going to happen.  And there may be nothing you can do about this one.  As much as you would like to see things being equal between the two of you just remember to pay attention your own thoughts and feelings regarding this.  If you find yourself getting bitter and resentful just ask yourself why this is happening. 
    • Talking Badly About Your Spouses Ex-Spouse.  This will be on the quickest ways to alienate yourself to your spouse or your stepkids.  Remember that your spouse may feel somewhat caught in the middle regarding needing to make sure everyone is working as a team.  If you are consistently going against your spouse on trying to keep the peace with the other parent then just realize you are going to hit some turbulence. 
    • Not Prioritizing Your Time With Your Spouse.  I am saving this one for last because I do believe it is the most important one.  This one is very common.  With everything going on it can become easy to let the relationship with each other slip.  This is where you can let little things like other family members drive a wedge in between the two of you. 
  • Think about these things we talked about today and while I am not saying you have to completely eliminate them, just become more aware of them in your daily life.  Working to change many of these issues should help to some degree your family blend together a bit better.  And it can help with your mental health as well.      

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.