Jun 11, 2019
Brian Mayer talks about why blended two families together after
previous divorces is so hard. There are so many things at
play that occur in the situation that don’t occur in a first
marriage. We will talk about these and some of what you can
do to make this easier on yourself and others in the family.
We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and
additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- We say it all the time. Getting married again after
divorce is HARD. It is hard for many reasons and researchers
say it can take many years to feel like a biological nuclear family
and in some cases it will never feel that way.
- Today we talk about the factors that get in the way of feeling
good about blending.
- Let’s start with genetics. There are more opportunities
for different personalities to be present in a
blended family because you all do not come from the same family
- There were different life experiences for each
family. Maybe there was abuse present in your past experience
and not in your spouse’s past or vice versa.
- The general expectations of one or more family
members that this new experience will go exactly like the
previous one. Families are like fingerprints and no
two are exactly the same.
- Shuttling kids between families is probably
not normal to anyone and thus gaining a comfort level for this back
and forth is so difficult to achieve.
- A more rigid structure in one family and a more relaxed
structure in the other family can often cause
issues. There will often be arguments about
bedtimes, dinner planning and prep, and when schoolwork and chores
and tasks get done.
- Getting caught in the middle when the other
family is involved. It is common for the biological parent to
feel caught in the middle of the other ex-spouse and the current
spouse and the differing needs of each. Often the current
spouse will often feel like an outsider. As a result often
resentment can build.
- Your parents or your spouses parents may have better
feelings about an ex-spouse. In many situations, the
ex-spouse might be invited to things that make it very
uncomfortable for you or maybe you have a general sense that the
ex-spouse is liked better than you.
- Anger of the kids about their biological parents
splitting can often last through their entire
- Finances can cause problems. This issue
can come from all sorts of areas. Maybe there is a lack of
trust between you and your spouse because of past hurts and so you
keep finances very divided. Maybe there are constant
disagreements about what family pays for what in a blended
- Disparate feelings about parenting and
discipline. One of you wants to trust then verify
and the other wants to verify then trust. One believe is more
harsh consequences and the other believes in light
consequences. The issue becomes that you both feel right
about your position.
- So what in the heck can you do about
this? We could literally spend all day talking
through each one of those and in fact we have done past episodes
where we have dug deeper on most of these issues. If we tried
to get a response to each of these it could be overwhelming
- So….Take a Breath. In fact take a deep
breath! You are good enough. You are in the right place
at the right time.
- Step back from the Trees to Look at the
Forest. We often get so caught up in the day to day
mess and craziness that we often don’t assess the overall picture
and how much we have actually accomplished.
- Control what you can and give the rest over to
God. This is hard if you are prone to anxiety,
obsessive compulsiveness, or perfectionism. You cannot
control the attitudes and moods of everyone in the house nor should
you have to.
- Where is the Balance? Typically women
want to take responsibility for too much and men typically don’t
take enough responsibility. The two of you need to discuss
where you are with this and determine where you fall short and then
work to better come together.
- When it comes to your Wants and Needs and your
partners, have a discussion that centers around the
- Express Your Needs and Wants
- When You Hear Those Needs and Wants state gently
whether you can meet that need, meet it with some changes, or that
you cannot meet that need.
- If you can meet a need, then do it! If you can
meet it with some negotiation then the two of you should work on
that now. If you cannot meet it, then you need to ask can you
both live with it not being met or is it a deal breaker for the
- Ultimately, there is a lot of moving parts in a blended family
and it will often feel like juggling flaming swords. You are
not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing. Again
just remember you are in the right place at the right time with the
Thanks For Listening!
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.