Jun 18, 2019
Brian Mayer talks about how your past and what you saw in your
parents married life may have affected your married life.
There is no doubt that divorce happens for many reasons but
sometimes it happens in part because of what we saw when we were
growing up. We will talk about this important issue that may
affect your remarriage and blended family experiences. We
hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and
additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Divorce happens for lots of reasons for sure. Sometimes
it is because we aren’t getting along, sometimes it happens because
of a major betrayal like infidelity, sometimes it happens because
you drifted emotionally apart due to work issues that cause
different schedules, long hours, or terrible travel
schedules. But sometimes there might be other factors at
- Today we talk about who much your parents married life and what
you saw growing up may have had an impact in the ending of your
- The research is actually a mixed bag on whether this an
important factor. In one study it was shown there is
something to this issue. I am putting a link below in the
Resources section but it showed in a longitudinal study that
females had a 69% increased chance of divorce if her parents
divorced while her chances increased a whopping 189% if both her
and her spouses parents were divorced.
- In my own life this is a mixed bag. I am divorced, and my
parents were divorced, but they were divorced when I was 2 years
old. I don’t really ever remember them being together so I
don’t recall what it was like to hear them have difficulties while
they were married. However, they did have difficulties in
getting along throughout my childhood.
- When it comes to my wife, who also experienced a divorce before
marrying me, grew up with parents who stayed married and in fact a
few months ago celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My
wife reports that in general that had a happy and healthy marriage
while she was growing up.
- So anecdotally in my experience, I would have to say that I
would be unsure if it is truly a causation.
- Probably the biggest helpful factor in how a parent’s marriage
would affect a child’s marriage would be a happy and healthy
one. If parent’s stay married while not happy or if they
divorce, would seem to suggest not as good for children than if
parents are happy and healthy.
- Lets talk about though what some of the issues your parents
went through that could cause problems:
- Poor conflict management. Did your
parents fight in front of you? Was there escalated
conflict. Did they raise their voices?
- Emotional of Physical Violence. Did you
witness horrible name calling, throwing or destroying
- Did you end up spending the night with
relatives because things got so bad between your parents
or a parent in a subsequent marriage?
- Lack of Time Your Mother and Father Spent
Together prior to divorce. Did one or both parents
work or travel too much?
- Lack of Family Activities that Included Both Mom and
Dad. Do you remember a lack of both parents
attending your sports or other activities?
- Lack of affection shown such as hugging by your
- Ultimately, the divorce(s) that you went through are
complicated in there reasons for why they happened, but the
relationship your parents had if they stayed married or if they got
divorced could have certainly played a part in your divorce.
- Something to think about for sure as you look back at your life
and something to think in regard to your children. The
bottomline with your kids is that while their life may have been
difficult up to this point, your have some responsibility and
ability to reduce the chance that your children ever experience
Thanks For Listening!
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.