Jul 16, 2019
Brian Mayer takes at the different ways we try to bring our
stepfamilies together. Today’s episodes is based on the book
called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. In it he describes 5
different ways we attempt to bring our families together.
Five of these he considers unhealthy – Blender, Food Processor,
Microwave, Pressure Cooker, and Tossed. One he considers
healthy – Crockpot Cooking. We hope you enjoy today’s
message. For more information and additional resources please
visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- There are so many different ways and methods that people have
tried to bring stepfamilies and blended families together. In
fact there might just as many ways as there are
- Today we are going to talk about 6 typical ways that partners
try to bring families together in these new circumstances.
These are all based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron
- He considers 5 of these to be rather unhealthy and 1 way to be
- Let’s discuss the Unhealthy Styles first:
- Blender: This involves whipping everyone
together into one mixture and not assuming that each ingredient
will relate to the other. Imagine making fruit smoothie and
adding salmon. Doesn’t sound real good does it? In this
method, teens are treated the same as younger children and each
child is viewed the same even though experiences might have been
- Food Processor: This involves bringing
everyone together at rapid speed but that each may begin to feel
torn into pieces when things do go right. Deal talks about
attempting to replace a biological father with a stepfather and
expecting the children to view the stepfather in the same
- Microwave: He talks about this family
ignoring the fact that they are a stepfamily, because they feel
like it makes them less than so. There is a fear of not being
accepted by others if they only knew that you were a
stepfamily. Not accepting the challenges on a stepfamily can
- Pressure Cooker: Great expectations can
often cause the lid to blow off. This one happens when
parents put too much pressure on themselves and the kids to make
the new stepfamily work. Deal talks about forcing kids to
like a stepparent because the parent likes them and that it will be
easier this way. Forcing someone to like someone else is
like, try to climb a pole that has been greased completely with
olive oil (to use a another cooking analogy).
- Tossed: This style is like throwing
everything in the air and again expecting it to fit together
neatly. Some examples include a revolving door of dating that
causes kids no stability or allowing kids that might remain home to
disturb a child’s possessions who is gone to the other home, can
give a tossed salad feel.
- The healthy style is called Crockpot Cooking:
- Time and Low Heat are essential. What
does this mean? It means patience and less pressure. I
don’t know about you but slow cooking is about the best way to
enjoy food. All the flavors just ramp up the longer they are
allowed to cook. I think about soups etc also that are heated
up the next day that taste even better.
- Don’t Rush. Allow time for everyone to
settle in. You may have heard before, but sometimes it can
many years for a blended family to settle in and sometimes it never
- Low Heat may mean spending time with kids
especially doing things they like to. This could mean that
every child has something different they enjoy so you may need to
work to carve out more 1:1 time with them to help them blend
- Hope you have enjoyed some thoughts on what to do and what not
to do when it comes to blending a family.
- Don’t give up hope and most of all don’t give into the myths
that this thing we call blending is supposed to work quickly and
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