Jan 9, 2018
Brian Mayer discusses how both freedom and security when both are
present can foster a relationship that is both nurturing from a
couples standpoint but can also help individual dreams and goals be
achieved. Countries debate the freedom versus security issue
extensively. In the United States this discussion has ramped
up and mirrors the debate couples have about this issue in
relationships. Brian lays each out and talks about how to
handle the approach to this issue for couples. We hope you
enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional
resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Today’s episode is called Security, Freedom, or Both in
Relationships. In relationships, there can often appear to be
a power struggle for security and freedom. When one person
feels they are being stifled, she might say there is too much
security and not enough freedom. For the partner that says
they do not have an individual identity, he might say I do not have
enough freedom. Often the pendulum will swing wildly in a
- The same can be said about freedom and security when it comes
to a nation’s interests especially in the political arena. In
my lifetime I never more have seen this debate after the terrorist
attacks in the United States on September 11, 2001. While the
ultimate goal for both sides was the safety of our citizens, there
were vastly different approaches on how to get there. One
side will often say that giving all citizens many more freedoms
such as the ability to carry guns or other deadly weapons, can help
police and the government while another side might say being more
restrictive on everyone is this issue is the answer. Both
believe that the ultimate result in their position is that security
and freedom will be balanced.
- According the Legatum Prosperity Index of 2017, the top 2
countries with the most personal freedoms are New Zealand and
Canada while the bottom 2 are Yemen and Sudan. The U.S. is ranked
as 28th in personal freedom. The most secure counties were
touted as Singapore and Iceland while the bottom 2 are Congo and
Iraq. The U.S. is ranked 60th in security. Legatum is
an international think tank based in London that focuses on what it
can do to ensure societies are free, just, and
- Are security and freedom the be all end all, of course
not. But they should be monitored in a relationship.
Take for example, a crying baby in the crib. The baby
continues to cry because he does not feel secure not knowing where
his mother or father is. The baby is also certainly not free
since it is in a crib with the inability to explore. This all
changes when mom or dad enters the room. The baby stops
crying and if put on the floor may actually begin to explore with
toys or books etc. In this case, the baby felt the security
of the parent’s presence and when that need was taken care and that
mom put baby on the floor he or she felt comfortable to use that
freedom to explore.
- The same can be said in adult romantic relationships.
These relationships should be the both of you against the
world. The world is a very difficult place and the home must
be a safe haven from that. If the home is a safe haven, where
conversations are nurtured and love is freely given and freely
accepted, then it can give each of you the confidence to pursue
your dreams and passions to further advance you as an individual
which will have a positive ripple effect on the relationship.
- Some obstacles that get in the way of this are how each of you
grew up as children. I would recommend you each explore with
each other the rules of the house in addition to how close knit the
family was. This will help identify in each of you the levels
of freedom and security you grew up in. ‘
- Past relationships and marriage will cause projection in some
cases. What is projection? This happens when one of you
who maybe did not have a voice in a prior marriage, were
emotionally, physically, or sexually abused and you begin to
associate your new partner with a prior partner. If this past
was the case, then simple conversations may turn into blowups, or
coming home late may be met with skepticism. Identifying that
this is an issue for you is the first step to healing this
issue. Not healing this will indeed cause an imbalance of
freedom versus security.
- I’ve mentioned this book many times on this show, but I would
highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and
Townsend. This will help each of you set healthy boundaries
so that you can keep the good in and the bad out. Often
people will ask, well can’t boundaries be used to control.
They of course can, but if they are used to control then they are
not being used properly. Boundaries still allow the person on
the outside freedom of choice, but recognizing that the person
inside the boundary will only allow them in if certain things are
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