Apr 3, 2018
Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop
habits that can make the relationship with your significant other
more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert
Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are
seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s
message, which is part 1 of the series we discuss the background of
his research and explore Level 1 of the house which is called
Building Love Maps. We hope you enjoy today’s message.
For more information and additional resources please visit our
website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- There are 6 predictors of divorce. Harsh
Startups to Conversation, Presence of the Four Horsemen in
Discussion – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling,
Emotional Flooding, Body Language (physiological responses), Failed
Repair Attempts, and Bad
- Harsh Startups are usually attacks that begin
with the word “you.” Conversations that have Harsh Startups
end badly about 96% of the time. Use “I feel” statements
- The Four Horsemen include Criticism which
means we stray from the issue into an attack on our partner.
Contempt is name calling, mocking, and eye-rolling.
Defensiveness is the attempt to allude the issue at hand and not
taking responsibility. Stonewalling occurs when we become
emotionally flooding and we check out mentally.
- Flooding and Body Language are basically the
body’s response to a conflict. Our pulse rate increases and
we go into Fight/Flight/Freeze mode. We can no longer problem
solve, think creatively, or listen appropriately.
- Failed Repair Attempts is anything that is
done to help get a conversation or conflict back on track.
Like simply saying “I’m sorry” or “Can we start over.”
Repairs fails because they are done too late or not often
- Bad Memories are harder to control, but they
are present because everything has become clouded through the pain
of the present. So wedding and honeymoon memories turn sour
because of the conflict of today.
- Level 1: Building Love Maps. Each
partner should build a friendship with their partner by getting to
know each other. Asking open ended questions about your
partner’s biggest embarrassments, biggest fear, hopes, and dreams
can go a long way to knowing your partner.
- Gottman Card Decks available on the App Store at Itunes.
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
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As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have,
it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.