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The Remarried Life

Apr 3, 2018

Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy.  These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House.  There are seven levels with each building on the other.  In today’s message, which is part 1 of the series we discuss the background of his research and explore Level 1 of the house which is called Building Love Maps.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • There are 6 predictors of divorce.  Harsh Startups to Conversation, Presence of the Four Horsemen in Discussion – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, Emotional Flooding, Body Language (physiological responses), Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memories.      
  • Harsh Startups are usually attacks that begin with the word “you.”  Conversations that have Harsh Startups end badly about 96% of the time.  Use “I feel” statements instead.     
  • The Four Horsemen include Criticism which means we stray from the issue into an attack on our partner.  Contempt is name calling, mocking, and eye-rolling.  Defensiveness is the attempt to allude the issue at hand and not taking responsibility.  Stonewalling occurs when we become emotionally flooding and we check out mentally.    
  • Flooding and Body Language are basically the body’s response to a conflict.  Our pulse rate increases and we go into Fight/Flight/Freeze mode.  We can no longer problem solve, think creatively, or listen appropriately.   
  • Failed Repair Attempts is anything that is done to help get a conversation or conflict back on track.  Like simply saying “I’m sorry” or “Can we start over.”  Repairs fails because they are done too late or not often enough. 
  • Bad Memories are harder to control, but they are present because everything has become clouded through the pain of the present.  So wedding and honeymoon memories turn sour because of the conflict of today.     
  • Level 1:  Building Love Maps.  Each partner should build a friendship with their partner by getting to know each other.  Asking open ended questions about your partner’s biggest embarrassments, biggest fear, hopes, and dreams can go a long way to knowing your partner.    


  • Gottman Card Decks available on the App Store at Itunes.

Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
  • If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
  • It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes  or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
  • The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.