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The Remarried Life

Jul 21, 2020

Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger.  If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well.  Today we will talk about freeing the entire family from this bondage so you can all you’re your most full lives.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • Judging others and judging situations is something that is programmed into all of us from a very early age. 
  • We are taught to size up and scrutinize the situations in life that we all face.  However, it becomes unhealthy when we begin to “pass judgment” onto others for the things they do and say. 
  • So what is judgment you ask?  Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as, “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.” 
  • The two pieces that often get us into trouble when it comes to judging something are “opinion” and “comparing.” 
  • An opinion is a very subjective view of something that we make up in our mind.  It could be something as simple as, when you said hello to a person that passed by and they did not respond.  In your mind you could form an opinion that says “what a jerk, couldn’t even have the decency to say hello back” or “wow they probably have a lot on their mind, and didn’t realize what I said” or maybe “they may not have actually heard me say anything because it is loud around here.”  Or you could come in with a thousand other judgments about what you thought was behind the no smile that you saw. 
  • The other piece that causes issues with the definition of judgment is “comparing.”  Comparing is basically the examination of someone or something in relation to something or someone else and then look at the similarities and differences. 
  • Of course when we have an opinion and make a comparison, we are most often placing this person or this thing up against us.  And often depending on our view of ourself will often drive our judgment one way or another but it can be tricky as to which way that goes. 
  • We can certainly view ourselves as equal, superior, or inferior to others and this will not doubt drive our response.  But it is not as easy as you think.  You would think that someone that views someone as equal would view another’s situation in a neutral or positive light, and those that find themselves superior or inferior might judge in a negative way.  But I have seen all sorts of judgments from these places. 
  • Someone who sees themselves as inferior I have seen can judge in both directions.  They might say wow look at all this person has done to get themselves where they need to and look at what I lack.  In this case the negative judgment is being directed at self and the positive judgment is being directed at the other.  Or conversely some jealousy could enter and someone who sees themselves as inferior, could say something like well the success they have is not because of anything they have done but because of the help they received. 
  • When we begin to judge others negatively or when we measure ourselves negatively, it can often feel like a weight around our necks that is constantly pulling us done. 
  • It can also be very easy to begin to subconsciously teach the kids that judgment is normal and something to be done consistently.  And unfortunately we are inadvertently giving them a weight to carry around. 
  • Once I became more aware of the judgments I was passing on about other people, the more I felt that weight.  Why is there a weight?  That is a good question and I am not sure I have the full answer, but I think just being negative in general and exhausting ourselves by constantly making comparisons is probably what contributes to the weight of judgment coming back to us.   
  • So what are some ways that we can lessen and maybe even prevent judgments and the subsequent weight that you and the family might feel. 
    • Become aware that you are thinking in this way.  The more attune you are to your thoughts the more easily you can recognize this happening. 
    • Gratitude.  Being appreciative of what you have in life can often head especially the comparison part of judgment off. 
    • Realize that there are many reasons why someone might be living a certain way or acting in a manner that is not consistent with how you would act.  The issue here is not to pretend that something that person is doing is not a problem, but more about what that judgment is doing to your mental health. 
    • Be compassionate.  By first thinking of the good in people, it can often feel more freeing.  Now of course one must be cautious about being taken advantage of by others, but by teaching your children to always think the best about people the lower the chance they will judge in a harsh or negative way. 
    • Accept things more as they are.  Often our brains think that we must always work to change something that doesn’t fit with our narrative in life.  As a result we can often judge in preparation to want to change something.  We all know often we can’t change someone else and if we try and it doesn’t happen it can often lead to some unhealthy mental states.
  • Finally, teach your kids both bio and step all of these things. First, you must practice these and get much better at them yourself.  Once you feel you are in a better place with all of these, then gently guiding your kids in these ways, will help them grow up to be less judgmental and more free in their lives.     


Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.