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The Remarried Life

May 11, 2021

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about speaking, with an emphasis on speaking gently.
  • Often when we get upset or what some refer to as emotionally flooding, the speed, tone, and volume of what we say can dramatically shift.
  • These changes occur because an alarm goes off in our head and our brain tells us that we must somehow defend ourselves from a perceived attack and so we think if we shift away from a gentle conversation that our partner will listen and get it.
  • Typically what happens in these moments is that our partner will indeed take notice of this shift in how you are speaking. But within seconds, we often get back the same shift from them or sometimes a shutdown. 
  • When we raise our voice and get short and direct, it sometimes feels good to get concerns “off out chest.” But again longterm, often what we are doing is feeling relief by removing the stress from us, but it now shifts to our partner.  Our partner then needs to figure out a way to offload this again either by throwing it back or swallowing it. 
  • Ever heard the expression, “you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.” The same can be true with how we speak to others.  Typically we can get more favorable responses when we gently speak to them about what we need. 
  • In our brain, we have a part called the Amygdala. This area is responsible for detecting danger.  When danger is detected, our brain sends signals to either go into fight, flight or freeze.  When we respond completely emotionally to this alarm system, we then often set off our partner’s alarm system. 
  • I don’t know about you but I would rather not set off my spouse’s brain alarm system would you? Of course we are human and can’t be good with this all the time, but what if we could be better? 
  • Here are some suggestions to speak more gently:
    • If you are feeling upset, work to understand where in your body you are detecting this.
    • It is overworn to say this, but deep breaths can work to calm the areas in your body that you are feeling the upset.
    • Work to keep a more even tone when you talk. When you have significant shifts in volume, tone, and speed you are increasing the likelihood of setting your alarm and your partner’s alarm. 
    • Look at your partner in the eyes when you speak. Even holding hands can keep the conversation calm.
    • When you speak do not go on and on. Allow your partner time to process and to respond. 
    • Reflect back what you hear by restating in your own words what you heard your partner say.
    • Record a disagreement and then play it back later. Pay attention to how you sound.  Work to make any changes that might help you to be heard and understood better.  
    • If talking is difficult maybe emailing or texting might work better. Remember though you will not hear tone or see body language which can sometimes be a good a thing and sometimes not. 
    • Lastly remember you are talking to another human being who has feelings just like you do. Maybe those feelings are not the same but they are feelings just the same. 
    • Attend a couples workshop to learn to work on speaking more gently with one another.  




Thanks For Listening!

  • With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode. 
  • If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

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