May 18, 2021
Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast
to talk about communication. It is probably
the most talked about issue that couples have together that can
sometimes not work well. We will take some time to dive into
this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to
consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more
effective and more loving. We hope you are inspired by
today’s message. For more information and additional
resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about
listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about
speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently. So
it would only be logical to talk about listening next.
- Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth
for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice
listening twice as much as we speak.
- This is easier said than done because it is human nature to
want to talk about ourselves for various reasons.
- True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we
live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our
fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast
- We can often hear something, but we don’t always listen.
Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a
sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful
- We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially
active listening. This is much different than passive
- Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a
minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much
- Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is
more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they
are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.
- I’ve also heard it said they active listening is focusing on
the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in
with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and
- So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let’s
talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the
message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened
- Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These
distractions could be physical things in the environment or they
could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at
- Repeat back what you heard. This is probably
the best way to show the other person that you are really working
to understand. It can also help conversations slow
- Be flexible as you repeat back. This might
mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did
you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.”
This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you
were receiving. Often though we can be very rigid and say
something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to
easily explain. It often instead invites the conversation to
- Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not
to pull the conversation back to yourself. Get curious and
keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for
- I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on
the podcast it seems. But it really is important, because
when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.
- Work to point out something you agree with
(even if small) especially if the conversation is about something
upsetting to the speaker that you may have done.
- Don’t try to solve the issue. Just continue to
reflect back and offer support. Of course if your partner is
asking for a solution then by all means try to help. But
often this is not what your partner is looking
- Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and
understood and then if you got what they were saying.
- There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are
actively listening. What ways work for you and your
Thanks For Listening!
- With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more
grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
- If you liked this episode and believe that it would be
beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share
it using the social media buttons on this page.
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.