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The Remarried Life

Dec 12, 2017

Brian Mayer discusses healing from your prior marriage by fully moving through the grieving process before entertaining a new relationship.  Everyone grieves differently and the timetable is sometimes not known.  However, when you can truly forgive past hurts then you know you can move on.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at

Today's Goodies

  • An interesting phenomenon is occurring on our roadways that perplexes me. I will come to a red light and a car in the lane next to me is a good 2-4 car lengths behind the car in front of them.  I’m not sure I fully understand this?  If you have any ideas let me know.  However, it does make me think of today’s topic about grief.  How does this tie in?  I’m glad you asked.  Stopping 2-4 car lengths behind is like not wanting to face the reality that a relationship is broken and ended.  If we stay stuck in the denial phase of grief we will not be able to move forward.
  • Today’s episode is all the Grieving Process especially in regard to our previous relationship.      
  • In her book called On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler Ross introduced her 5 stages of grief. This was a result of her sitting with many people who had lost a loved one to death. 
    • The 5 stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
    • Some people have added a 6th stage called Forgiveness.
    • Stages of Grief Defined:
      • Denial: The shock of the loss causes our brain to shut down to reality.  We go numb and in protection mode.  The analogy that best fits here is being given anesthesia during surgery.  When we wake up we don’t feel anything.  Here I discuss the loss of my mother to death and my marriage to divorce. 
      • Anger: When denial wears off, anger occurs.  This is a flood of emotions.  Underlying anger could be a roller coaster of other emotions.  Sadness, fear, and even joy or happiness can sometimes appear.  This is likened to when then anesthesia or pain medications wear off during surgery. 
      • Bargaining: This is the stage that we might question if there was something we could have done differently to avoid the outcome.  Even in death we might question whether we could have encouraged the other person to eat better, stop smoking, or you name it to have changed the situation.
      • Depression: This sets in when we realize there is nothing we could do to change the situation.  When it comes to a divorce in fact we may have done things to change to attempt to attract our spouse back.  However in the end we cannot sustain these changes, because they are not who we are at the core.  Additionally, there is no guarantee they would even be accepted by the other person. 
      • Acceptance: This is the final stage where we begin to come out of the woods so to speak.  The color returns to the sky, we begin to hear the birds chirping again, and we start to be able to see a future filled with hope and possibilities. 
      • Forgiveness: Most people feel like not everyone deserves forgiveness.  I don’t believe this to be true, but I believe that forgiveness should be given mostly to help heal ourselves.  I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and hoping the other person dies.  I have also heard someone say, “Unforgiveness is like allowing someone to live in your head rent free and they don’t even know it.”  Forgiveness lets ourselves off the hook just as much as it does the other person. 


  • Final Thoughts
    • Grieving is not linear meaning you may hop around these stages
    • There is no perfect timetable for grieving. For some the process may take a few months and for some it may take a few years.      
    • If you jump into a relationship without appropriately giving space to grieve the previous relationship, then you will not heal. The next relationship will suffer. 
    • A loss of relationship can shake faith in a Creator and faith in the world. Our brain tends to believe that if we are good people then nothing bad should happen.  When it does we have a difficult time comprehending.  For me knowing that ultimately God works all things for good sustains me during times of upset.        


Thanks For Listening!

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