Dec 18, 2018
Brian Mayer talks about how common it is for anger to play a
role in making decision regarding how to share kids time with your
ex-spouse. We will take some time to talk through this issue
on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear
today. For more information and additional resources please
visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- What are the basic human emotions? Most people would say
Fear, Anger, Happiness, Sadness are among the most common.
All of these emotions can certainly drive us to do different things
- Today we are going to focus Anger and the impact it can have on
making decisions about the kids especially in regarding to how to
share the parenting.
- The interesting about anger is that it is generally considered
a secondary emotion. What does this mean exactly? It
means that another emotion is most likely at the root of what is
really going on. Often anger boils to the surface, but what
really might be going on below is embarrassment, feeling
disrespected, depression, anxiousness, worry, insecurity, grief, or
- I have to tell you that no doubt in my own experience anger
came out when it was really hurt, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety
among probably many other emotions.
- The main issue with these primary emotions is that we must be
able to vocalize them appropriately and in addition be heard and
understood by another human being namely our ex-spouse. The
problem that happens most often is that we generally either are not
heard and understood or perceive that we are not. As a result
emotions boil out in anger.
- Most often nothing productive comes from anger. Now to be
fair, feeling angry and behaving angrily are two separate
things. You are more than correct to feel angry sometimes,
but angry behaviors such as screaming, slamming doors, and throwing
things is of course never productive.
- So again while the emotion of anger is acceptable it is still
good to get at the root of what may be going on for you underneath
- Have you ever made a decision to withhold a child’s time with
the other parent, change the agreed upon time, or have an unhealthy
exchange because of anger? You might be saying no but my
ex-spouse always does. I definitely wanted to start with you
because there are certainly cases where this might be you and that
is of course much easier to deal with than the ex-spouse’s
- Let’s turn our focus toward the children. Is anger and
the show of anger good for kids? I think we can all agree
that when children see their parents spewing venom it is never a
- Here are some ways that anger is shown toward children
- Arguing in front of the children
- Talking bad or down about the other child’s parent to the
- Telling the children that the other spouse has abandoned you
and the kids. This one could be true in some instances, but
sometimes it is a perception.
- How Does it Affect Children?
- They can resent one or both parents which is not healthy.
Sometimes this causes artificial emotions walls to be built by
children as a form of protection
- Sometimes children will show anger toward other children as a
way of releasing what they are absorbing at home
- Anger can cause depression and anxiety in children because they
will often believe that they are the cause of the anger issues
- How Can you Deal with your own Anger or the Anger of Your
- Remain Calm. This one is easier said than done.
Remember you will often go into fight, flight or freeze mode when
you get upset. Start recognizing this more and learn to
- Get Support. Make sure your current spouse and you are
united and on the same team. This can help make you feel like
you are not alone. If you are not married, then friends and
family are important.
- Think about your children as Adults. Imagine asking them
this question, “How did the way in which I interacted with your
mom/dad affect you?” Hopefully you would be able to connect
unhealthy interactions with unhealthy outcomes for the children for
Thanks For Listening!
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