May 14, 2019
Brian Mayer talks about the the topic of insecurity especially
with regard to being a parent of both biological children and
stepchildren. The issue of insecurity can cause lots of
problems for you, your spouse, your kids and the ex-spouses.
We will talk about ways to recognize this and hopefully make some
changes to be more secure. We hope you enjoy today’s
message. For more information and additional resources please
visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
- Insecurity in my opinion is one of the biggest causes of
instability and the rockiness that often invades a blended
family. As if it were not tough enough to bring kids and
families together after a divorce and new marriage, insecurity can
often cause several steps backward and a step forward, the several
steps backward again.
- Often we think about being insecure as a function of our
environment or what others are doing. But believe it or not
that is not the actual definition. The definition of
insecurity is “uncertainly or anxiety about oneself” or lack of
- If we think about being insecure as coming from within that can
certainly be tough pill to swallow sometimes but it is
typically more true than you know.
- So let’s start with where these insecurities come from and
again if you solely believe they are coming from your current
spouse, the kids, or the ex-spouse, I hate to break it to you but
this is probably not true.
- If we look at 100 families in the exact same position as you
are with the way in which the family dynamic works, the attitudes
of the kids, and the attitudes of the ex-spouses, we would find
different layers of insecurities present. Why is this?
It is typically multi-faceted buts look at some possible
- Abandonment can cause childhood insecurities where you may have
felt abandoned, either by a parent truly not being a present or one
that neglected you.
- Perfectionism during childhood where you parents would push
this and that if you weren’t perfect then maybe you were a
failure. Again making you feel like you were not good
- Past relationships in which you have been abused physically or
emotionally can cause insecurities again potentially making you
feel like you don’t measure up.
- When you feel slighted by a decision or something that is done
to make you feel unstable, you will know you are insecure if your
inner critic asks the question, “Why are they doing to this me”
rather than “Why are they doing this?” If you are thinking
about yourself and what you think is being done to you it might be
a sign that you are insecure. If you are able to think about
why someone else is doing something and what it is about them that
might be a problem, it could signal that you are more secure about
- Here are some other ways to combat insecurity:
- Talk to your spouse about the issues and get to know how
everyone operates in the family and this would include the
ex-spouse. Have an open mind about these things and in this
way in can reduce you feeling “slighted.”
- Are you doing enough for yourself or in other words do you have
your own life outside the life you lead as a parent and
stepparent. This can help give you a balance and can help
increase your self confidence in difficult situations.
- Focus on others more than yourself. Get curious about why
others are doing what they are doing. Come up with several
reasons as to why you think a child might be more loving toward a
step parent than you. It might be something you are
perceiving that is not true. Maybe they are just trying to
make you jealous. Again many of these potential reasons
really have nothing to do with you often times but are more a
function of what is going on inside the child.
- Realize the perfectionism you have within yourself may not be
completely attainable by others. You potentially have set the
bar so high that others will have difficulty reaching it. So
reducing the bar others have to cross can sometimes be helpful so
that you do not let yourself down.
- What would you say to a friend in similar situation who is
feeling insecure? Most likely you would not tell them to
continue to beat themselves up because of what others are doing or
not doing. You would tell them to be gentle on themselves
because after all there are lots of moving parts and lots of people
that you cannot fully control. And taking the blame for
everything not working right is not productive.
- Sometimes seeking out professional counseling for you as an
individual can be extremely helpful. I know for me as a
professional counselor, I can typically spot immediately those who
have been through counseling before. They are very insightful
and have a great awareness of themselves.
- Feeling insecure however is completely human especially when
you find yourself in a blended family situation and are trying to
parent children who are not biologically yours. However just
remember that most all members of this new family probably have
insecurities as well.
Thanks For Listening!
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grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast
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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it
is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are
binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in
about a minute! Take care.